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:icongoodbye316: More from goodbye316


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Submitted on
August 28, 2012
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My heart breaks,
And my heart bleeds.
I'm no different then you,
Don't you see?

When my heart was broken,
He fixed it up.
Tapped it back together,
With this thing we call love…..

I'm no different then you,
And you're no different than me.
Can't    you    see……….

Love doesn't discriminate,
And love doesn't hate.
Love is what we give,
and not what we take.

When my heart was broken,
He fixed it up.
Tapped it back together,
With this thing we call love.

No one is perfect,
No one's the same.
We all love in different ways.

can't you see,
he loves me for me,
and I love him for him.

Cause when my heart was broken,
He fixed it up.
Tapped it back together,
With this thing we call love.

Never in my wildest dreams,
Did I think I'd ever find someone like him.
Someone who loves me for me!!!!

I always know that he'll be the one.
No matter how bad it gets,
I know he'll always be there.

Whenever my heart breaks,
He'll fix it up.
Tape it back together,
With this thing we call love………
i wrote this to help show my husband how i feel. i really suck at telling people how i feel. i am much better at writing it down then saying it out loud.

let me know what you think.
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013   Writer
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
:icongrammarnazicritiques:

Firstly, I do apologise for the delay in this critique but we have had a huge backlog.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

My first thought is that there is a difference between persons here. At the beginning the speaker (you) is writing to the subject (your husband) but the very next stanza the speaker is talking about the subject. I would recommend keeping it consistent as this would aid the flow as well as the understanding of the piece.

ST 1:
L3 - 'then' should be 'from'
- In this ST you start of by speaking to the person ('different then you')

ST 2:
L3 - 'tapped' should be 'taped'
- In this ST you switch to speaking about him ('he fixed it up')

ST 3:
L1 - 'then' should be 'from'
L2 - 'then' should be 'from'
- Here you go back to talking about you ('different then you')

ST 4:
Nice rhyming, although it is a tad cliché. This reminds me somewhat of a rap-rhythm.

ST 5:
L3 - 'tapped' should be 'taped'

ST 6:
- here you switch from four-line ST's to a three line one. However this doesn't detract from the flow of the piece. I think it adds to it quite nicely.

ST 7:
- again this is a three-line ST. You also change your rhyme scheme here, which is a bit 'iffy'. This part is also extremely cliché.

ST 8:
L3 - 'tapped' should be 'taped'

ST 9:
/

ST 10:
/

ST 11:
- nice switch in tense here. It really sums up the piece quite nicely.

Overall:
A nice set of lyrics with a good flow to them. Watch out for typos and a few grammatical errors. Also, although it is hard to do, try to make it as original as possible. With love poems/songs/stories this is very hard to do as most of it has been said before. However, your STs regarding taping the heart back together are somewhat original in their context.

:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty:

Jo
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:icongoodbye316:
goodbye316 Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013
i can tell that you don't understand who i was really talking to in this poem. i wasn't talking to my husband and then about him. i was talking to my mother and sister about my husband. 
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2013   Writer
Based on your artist's comments: i wrote this to help show my husband how i feel. i really suck at telling people how i feel. i am much better at writing it down then saying it out loud. I assumed that it was directed towards your husband.
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:iconkatycartoonfan3:
Katycartoonfan3 Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's so cute! ^w^ I think you do rather well in expressing yourself through words :)

also eee! x3 pon & zi! xD
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:iconrenval:
Renval Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Aww :')
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